You ever wonder why addicts or alcoholics just don’t quit? I mean, you must feel like shit all the time.
They do feel like shit all the time. And the interesting thing is that they get used to feeling like shit. It becomes familiar to them. That hangover is like an old friend, coming to visit and stay a while. All the health problems, all the psychological problems, all the relationship problems become commonplace, it’s part of the routine, it’s what you do. This is how all people live their lives, right? Lurching from one crisis to another, losing your wallet, crashing your car, cheating on your spouse, getting caught, and screaming at your kids—this is what normal people are like—right? This is what everybody does. Then you push boundaries, and the unacceptable becomes acceptable—you find yourself doing things you said you’d never do.
Why not just quit?
Because sick people want to stay sick. Deep down, they like being sick. They’ll never admit it, but they do. They have a deep, subconscious desire to not get better, because getting better is scary. Getting better involves change. Getting better means there is only one thing you will have to change about your life—everything. The path of least resistance is to stay sick, and be a Category 5 hurricane in the lives of your family and friends.
I have worked with addicts and mentally ill people for over 15 years, and when I first discovered this phenomenon, I was shocked. Sick people really do want to stay sick. Sometimes they will tell you that they want to stay sick—explicitly. Part of this is inertia—change requires effort, and nobody likes effort. But really what it is, is familiarity—you get used to feeling like shit and you can’t imagine living any other way. When people tell you that there is a better way, you don’t believe them. The bad way seems fine, even with all the carnage.
When I first discovered that sick people want to stay sick, I had a moment of “You spot it, you got it”—I was the same way, when I was rolling around with raging bipolar disorder for years, being a black belt asshole, denying that there was a problem. It’s not just about addiction—it’s also about mental health. And this is where I part ways with the mental health profession, which isn’t really about helping people get better—it’s about helping them manage whatever affliction they might have and muddle through. I believe that people can get better, and I believe that they can if they undergo a psychic change, and I believe that they have to want to get better. And most people don’t. They want to keep feeling like shit. Or, they want to take a magic pill that cures everything. The drugs help—but if you want to get better, there is a lot of work involved. And most people don’t want to put in the work.
It's not just about addiction and mental illness. It’s about other things, too. It’s about any situation in your life that you find unacceptable—it is easier to muddle through and put up with the pain rather than go through any psychic change. I’m going through this right now. I’m fat and out of shape. I recently pulled an oblique muscle carrying 16 pounds of cat litter across a parking lot. The solution is rather simple—put some effort into going to the gym and eating right. Too much work. I feel like shit, but feeling like shit is familiar to me, and I’m comfortable with it, so I’ll keep doing what I’m doing. I know that I will feel better if I make changes to my lifestyle, but I don’t want to. But at least I am honest about it.
In my case, what needs to happen is that I need to hit bottom. Maybe one day I’ll try on my favorite pair of jeans and I won’t be able to button them. Or I’ll sit down on an airplane, try to buckle the seat belt, and I can’t. Something humiliating. Then I will have hit bottom, and I will be so demoralized that I will be willing to do absolutely anything to get better.
This phenomenon of hitting bottom is often a necessary condition to psychic change. When you’ve gone so low that you can’t go any lower. When you are in danger of losing something or someone you care about, or not getting something you want. When you face social disapproval. And some people, you know, never hit bottom. They will be smoking crack in a freshly dug grave underneath a tarp and think that this is entirely normal. For most people, that is when they would finally look in the mirror and say, “Maybe it is time to make a change.”
Of course, wouldn’t it be nice to make a psychic change without having to hit bottom? That is the point of this essay—instead of wanting to be sick, wouldn’t it be nice to want to get better? Wouldn’t it be nice to not have to lose everything first? And for some people, losing everything means losing your life.
What happens is that we get stuck—what most people have is plain vanilla anxiety or depression. Catastrophic thinking. Thinking that the worst possible thing is going to happen at any point in time. People tend to want to pursue chemical solutions to these sorts of problems, but the drugs only treat the symptoms, not the underlying condition. You take a Xanax, you’ll feel better—I have had Xanax before, and it’s great stuff—but at best, it’s a short-term fix. If you have anxiety and fear, that’s going to require a few years of guidance from someone who is qualified in treating these sorts of things, a lot of introspection, and a lot of action—in short, you have to want to get better. I’m no expert on mental health, but the one thing I do know is that you won’t get better if you don’t want to get better. The people who don’t want to get better don’t magically get better. People will crippling addictions or mental illnesses occasionally get better. They are the miracles. They are the success stories. If you talk to these people, you will find they all have one thing in common: they wanted to get better. They were willing to do anything.
Maybe you can’t get a date. Being lonely is familiar and comfortable to you. The solution to that is to want to get a date and take action—get on the dating sites, read some books, spend some money on clothes, and go out and meet people. Maybe you hate visiting your family, and you spend most of your time visiting your family, and you’re miserable. Being miserable is familiar and comfortable to you. Maybe stop visiting your family, and do something else instead? We get stuck being miserable, and we do the same things over and over again. There is another way.
We all have so much potential, and we don’t even realize it. Many of us succeed in spite of these shortcomings. Imagine how well we would do if we had the courage to change.
Go fuck yourself,
Jared
Music recommendation: Check this out.
P.S. We’re Gonna Get Those Bastards will always be free. Please forward to whoever you like.
Don't discount the "Icarus" effect - flying too close to the sun (and not getting burnt) has a thrill factor. Driving home drunk and not getting caught, cheating and not getting caught, going to work hammered and no-one noticed - all have a thrill factor. "I can get away with this! I'm more clever than they are". That thrill becomes addictive and justifies the means.
Wow. This reaches me on so many levels. I was one of those "miracles." People have often told me they never thought I would make it. My true addiction though wasn't drugs even though I did do some bad drugs. No, my addiction was love (a subset of co-dependence). Addiction to a person is so much harder to break than an addiction to a drug (at least it was for me). The need to rescue was so strong. In reading your essay I was able to see both her and I. I made it thus far, but she didn't. She died a week before her 34th birthday. I hadn't seen her in many years prior to her dying because I was working on myself and my addiction. I still sometimes struggle with shame and depression.
And if you don't think it could kill, it can. In my case I was doing drugs to be accepted by this person. Enough, where it could have killed me.
But I'm only 80% to where I want to be and it is the easy 80%. It's like the 80/20 principle in reverse. I need to work hard on the 20% because that will bring true peace. Five times the man I am today.
Jared thank you for your writing. I look forward to Tuesdays. - Al