Hey Man - I like the piece and agree people (mostly men) put too much emphasis on sex.
As a man, I don’t personally agree with the argument that I wouldn’t trust a woman loved me after she slept with 200 guys.
That’s easy for me to say as I never had that experience. I was one of the first people my wife slept with when we met 31 years ago and were still together and very happy now.
But I think that the jealousy you talk about is really also just ego, which you also correctly identify as a source of problems.
That is, men have an ego and want to believe that their woman only wants them and only ever loved them and they are the only one who can “satisfy” or make their woman happy.
I think that is just plain ego and/or insecurity.
And it ends up sounding like we’re shaming women for having too much sex or enjoying sex. While men are often championed for having a lot of sex.
Again, It’s easy for me to say, but I honesty don’t think it would bother me if my wife had 200 partners before me.
I just want to know and see in her eye that she is committed to me now.
Hi John - I hear you. But tbh, bacteria and viruses are just part of being human and being alive.
I have them. You have them. We all have them.
And I don’t know about you, but I have been with partners who have had bacteria and viruses and it never stopped me loving them, caring about them or finding them attractive.
As for emotional baggage and hang-ups, it’s the same again. We all have them.
And it’s not clear to me that someone who had 200 one-night stands would have more hang-ups than someone who had 1-2 long term relationships.
Indeed, it’s far more likely in a long term relationship than in a one-night stand, that someone could have been cheated on, lied to, deceived, treated badly, or even abused.
And - here’s the crazy thing - it’s exactly your partner’s emotional baggage and hang-ups which make them the person they are, and makes them the person who you love.
Without that baggage, they would be a different person.
And I don’t know about you, but all my partners have always had their fair share of baggage (as I do), but it never stopped me caring about them or loving them or finding them attractive.
“Indeed, it’s far more likely in a long term relationship than in a one-night stand, that someone could have been cheated on, lied to, deceived, treated badly, or even abused.”
Yeah, I don’t think that’s true at all, but let’s put it this way. If any of that stuff happens in a committed relationship it’s because we attract and are attracted to people whose issues match our own. But with one night stands we’re just attracting people with issues (ask any competent, wise psychologist). What issues? I guess we’ll find out.
I don’t see any connection between people having one night stands and emotional issues.
We all have one night stands for various reasons. Sometimes to forget an ex.
Sometimes because we’re looking for validation or reassurance that we’re attractive/lovable.
Sometimes because we’re lonely and just looking for connection.
Sometimes just because we’re horny and it’s fun and we find the other person attractive.
I do agree with your point that in relationships we tend to attract people (or find people attractive) who match our own issues.
The point I was making though was really that one a one night stand, two people spend a very limited amount of time together. Usually only a few hours or not more than 12 hours (and a lot of that time is spent sleeping).
So there’s a more limited opportunity for people to impose their emotional issues and baggage on others in a one night stand, simply due to the limited time they have together.
"I honesty don’t think it would bother me if my wife had 200 partners before me."
Really? Well think about this, you would be sleeping with the bacteria and viruses from all 200 of them, and the emotional stuff is real, even if it's only one other partner.
Jared, I agree with the premise, but "don’t have sex until marriage, until your wedding night" is a terrible idea. Physical compatibility is a crucial aspect of a healthy adult relationship, and ensuring that you and your partner align in that regard before committing is essential. This can significantly impact long-term happiness, and for some, it may even be a dealbreaker. People should have sex before getting married.
Wisdom for some...kinda the first diatribe I've read of yours that didn't move the dial for me, mostly pseudo-Christian bible belt stuff. Look around when you're at MGM and see if the music crowd that you're spinning to subscribes to this type of rhetoric. I doubt that's the demographic that will be soaking up the sounds, or maybe I'm just too jaded to believe, but it's always good to read your stuff...
Great post! I used to be a wild child when I was younger; thought I was a "liberated woman." Bullshit. My mom used to say, "You're throwing yourself away." I laughed at her then, but she was right. As for porn stars, I heard in a podcast with a male ex-pornstar that most of them are on drugs to get through the day, and many are depressed and suicidal. So much for all that "fun" you should have. Wonderful for you, Jared, to have such a committed long-term relationship. It really is the way to go.
I disagree with parts about jealousy and insecurity. I'm one of the 3.9% you mentioned. Being a fairly good looking musician had its perks...and add the fact I was kind. I've had a lot of girls that had a lot of partners and I never once got jealous as you mentioned and it was because of the intimacy connection we were able to have where you get lost in each other when you are with them. And that intimacy continues when you go for a walk or cook an intimate dinner together, snuggle on the sofa.
My insecurity was when after a time we grow apart and go our separate ways. I lost my wife to another just over 7 years ago, but I was never jealous of her meeting someone new. I dated only one girl after my marriage ended and she had hundreds of men before me and I was not at all jealous of that. And again, it was the connection of getting lost in passion so great and the other person is lost in me. I couldn't keep up with her partying as she was 21 years younger than me. After we broke up she died a few years later after giving birth to twins (where one of the baby's also died).
And since I own an archive of porn collectibles and knowing a few pornstars from the 80's that have been happily married for 25 years (Loni Sanders is one of them in Hawaii) as her husband buys the pictures I own of her. She had only been with 2 men since her porn days... both of her husbands. Her current husband never thinks of the men she was with during her porn days. He is very secure.
As far as young adults now, I don't see them hooking up like we did in the day (I'm a few years older than you). I assume there are more 30 year old virgins men than ones that are part of the 3.9% club... and I think it is due to fear of rejection as well as the PornHub and other so-called adult sites. That is more of a problem than promiscuity.
you are so real it hurts, and it cracks me up! thanks Jared! I appreciate your work. JV
Hey Man - I like the piece and agree people (mostly men) put too much emphasis on sex.
As a man, I don’t personally agree with the argument that I wouldn’t trust a woman loved me after she slept with 200 guys.
That’s easy for me to say as I never had that experience. I was one of the first people my wife slept with when we met 31 years ago and were still together and very happy now.
But I think that the jealousy you talk about is really also just ego, which you also correctly identify as a source of problems.
That is, men have an ego and want to believe that their woman only wants them and only ever loved them and they are the only one who can “satisfy” or make their woman happy.
I think that is just plain ego and/or insecurity.
And it ends up sounding like we’re shaming women for having too much sex or enjoying sex. While men are often championed for having a lot of sex.
Again, It’s easy for me to say, but I honesty don’t think it would bother me if my wife had 200 partners before me.
I just want to know and see in her eye that she is committed to me now.
Hi John - I hear you. But tbh, bacteria and viruses are just part of being human and being alive.
I have them. You have them. We all have them.
And I don’t know about you, but I have been with partners who have had bacteria and viruses and it never stopped me loving them, caring about them or finding them attractive.
As for emotional baggage and hang-ups, it’s the same again. We all have them.
And it’s not clear to me that someone who had 200 one-night stands would have more hang-ups than someone who had 1-2 long term relationships.
Indeed, it’s far more likely in a long term relationship than in a one-night stand, that someone could have been cheated on, lied to, deceived, treated badly, or even abused.
And - here’s the crazy thing - it’s exactly your partner’s emotional baggage and hang-ups which make them the person they are, and makes them the person who you love.
Without that baggage, they would be a different person.
And I don’t know about you, but all my partners have always had their fair share of baggage (as I do), but it never stopped me caring about them or loving them or finding them attractive.
All the best to you, my friend.
“Indeed, it’s far more likely in a long term relationship than in a one-night stand, that someone could have been cheated on, lied to, deceived, treated badly, or even abused.”
Yeah, I don’t think that’s true at all, but let’s put it this way. If any of that stuff happens in a committed relationship it’s because we attract and are attracted to people whose issues match our own. But with one night stands we’re just attracting people with issues (ask any competent, wise psychologist). What issues? I guess we’ll find out.
Funny you say that, as I am a therapist myself!
I don’t see any connection between people having one night stands and emotional issues.
We all have one night stands for various reasons. Sometimes to forget an ex.
Sometimes because we’re looking for validation or reassurance that we’re attractive/lovable.
Sometimes because we’re lonely and just looking for connection.
Sometimes just because we’re horny and it’s fun and we find the other person attractive.
I do agree with your point that in relationships we tend to attract people (or find people attractive) who match our own issues.
The point I was making though was really that one a one night stand, two people spend a very limited amount of time together. Usually only a few hours or not more than 12 hours (and a lot of that time is spent sleeping).
So there’s a more limited opportunity for people to impose their emotional issues and baggage on others in a one night stand, simply due to the limited time they have together.
"I honesty don’t think it would bother me if my wife had 200 partners before me."
Really? Well think about this, you would be sleeping with the bacteria and viruses from all 200 of them, and the emotional stuff is real, even if it's only one other partner.
Well said Jared (and "poundtown" is a keeper)
Jared, I agree with the premise, but "don’t have sex until marriage, until your wedding night" is a terrible idea. Physical compatibility is a crucial aspect of a healthy adult relationship, and ensuring that you and your partner align in that regard before committing is essential. This can significantly impact long-term happiness, and for some, it may even be a dealbreaker. People should have sex before getting married.
Wisdom for some...kinda the first diatribe I've read of yours that didn't move the dial for me, mostly pseudo-Christian bible belt stuff. Look around when you're at MGM and see if the music crowd that you're spinning to subscribes to this type of rhetoric. I doubt that's the demographic that will be soaking up the sounds, or maybe I'm just too jaded to believe, but it's always good to read your stuff...
Great post! I used to be a wild child when I was younger; thought I was a "liberated woman." Bullshit. My mom used to say, "You're throwing yourself away." I laughed at her then, but she was right. As for porn stars, I heard in a podcast with a male ex-pornstar that most of them are on drugs to get through the day, and many are depressed and suicidal. So much for all that "fun" you should have. Wonderful for you, Jared, to have such a committed long-term relationship. It really is the way to go.
Solid piece of writing....Really enjoy your work
I disagree with parts about jealousy and insecurity. I'm one of the 3.9% you mentioned. Being a fairly good looking musician had its perks...and add the fact I was kind. I've had a lot of girls that had a lot of partners and I never once got jealous as you mentioned and it was because of the intimacy connection we were able to have where you get lost in each other when you are with them. And that intimacy continues when you go for a walk or cook an intimate dinner together, snuggle on the sofa.
My insecurity was when after a time we grow apart and go our separate ways. I lost my wife to another just over 7 years ago, but I was never jealous of her meeting someone new. I dated only one girl after my marriage ended and she had hundreds of men before me and I was not at all jealous of that. And again, it was the connection of getting lost in passion so great and the other person is lost in me. I couldn't keep up with her partying as she was 21 years younger than me. After we broke up she died a few years later after giving birth to twins (where one of the baby's also died).
And since I own an archive of porn collectibles and knowing a few pornstars from the 80's that have been happily married for 25 years (Loni Sanders is one of them in Hawaii) as her husband buys the pictures I own of her. She had only been with 2 men since her porn days... both of her husbands. Her current husband never thinks of the men she was with during her porn days. He is very secure.
As far as young adults now, I don't see them hooking up like we did in the day (I'm a few years older than you). I assume there are more 30 year old virgins men than ones that are part of the 3.9% club... and I think it is due to fear of rejection as well as the PornHub and other so-called adult sites. That is more of a problem than promiscuity.
Al Cheech - LadiesOnFilm
Exactly, thank you .