Not Penny's Boat

A few of my essays have been about our relationship with death. I think that if you reflect on death, and keep the idea of it close to you, it enhances your enjoyment of life. The people who are in denial that it will ever happen tend to be unmoored from principles and reality.

I glean wisdom from wherever I can, sometimes from TV shows. In the last 20 years, I have only watched two television shows faithfully. House, because the main character played by Hugh Laurie is the closest example to a true chaotic neutral person that we will ever see in pop culture. And second, Lost, because it was so damn addictive. I would watch it all over again, but I just don’t have the time. I wonder if it holds up. Probably not.

There is a scene in Lost where Charlie Pace, played by Dominic Monaghan, has a premonition that he is going to die. He knows the time and the place. He knows it with certainty. So in order to prepare for that moment, he sits and reflects on his life, and thinks about his top 5 memories of all time.

So it got me thinking—what are my top 5 memories of all time? If I knew that I was going to die tomorrow, I would like to replay my life, thinking about the good memories, not the bad memories.

Memory number one:

The first was on July 4th, 1989, the day I met my wife. I was at a gifted and talented camp, and all of us nerds, about twenty of us, this big clique we used to run around in, were goofing off in the dormitory lounge after study hour, and the boys and girls started pretending to kiss each other tonight. I was pretty fearless as a teenager, I would literally do anything, so there was this girl I had my eye on, sitting on the couch, so I flopped down on the couch on my back, put my head in her lap, and asked for a kiss.  I kind of expected that she’d push me off on the floor. But she actually gave me a kiss, like a real kiss, and there was so much electricity that everyone in the room just stopped what they were doing and stared, and as I went back upstairs to the boys’ floor with my buddies, they were like, what the hell was that? I had no idea who she was.

But that wasn’t even the good part. The next day, July 5th, she and I spent the entire next day on the balcony of the dorm, talking, her sitting in my lap. We didn’t even come down to eat. I think it was the only day in my entire life that I didn’t eat a single bite of food. I knew at that moment that she was the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

Memory number two:

In my senior year of high school, when I was drum major of the marching band, we got a slow start to the season, coming in 5th and 6th in competitions, underperforming. So we completely revamped the drill, holding a bunch of extra rehearsals, and at our next competition, in East Lyme, we absolutely killed it, coming in first, with a score of 82. What happened next was absolutely incredible—the band carried me off the field on their shoulders. There is no feeling in the world than being carried off the field on the shoulders of your band (or team), and sometimes I think about how few people in the world have ever experienced anything like that. We went on to have one of the most incredible seasons in the history of the marching band, winning everything the rest of the way. People talk about it to this day.

Memory number three:

For a little over a year, I was a clerk on the floor of the Pacific Options Exchange. The whole experience was incredible, but the one day that sticks with me was the day that 3Com spun off Palm, the maker of those handheld device things, in an IPO. It was the biggest orgy of speculation I have ever seen in my life. It was actually downright scary. If you want to learn more about it, I suggest you pick up my novel All the Evil of This World which is based on the events of that day. If you’re a fan of capitalism, like I am, you would have loved being in the 3Com pit on that day. A giant dogpile of fear and greed, all rolled into one.

Memory number four:

My book signing for Street Freak up at the Barnes & Noble at Columbia University. I was a little put out that I wasn’t able to do the book signing at the Barnes & Noble in Union Square, and I didn’t think many people would make the trip up to Columbia, but over 100 people did. I will never forget the faces of those people. They were there to celebrate my achievement. Someone asked how I could remember such detail of my time at Lehman, down to individual words of conversations. And of course, people asked what book I would write next.

Memory number five:

The first real DJ gig I had was in the fall of 2011. I had a few other gigs, mostly cocktail parties and such, but this was the first party I played where people were expected to dance. I wondered if my music would work. I was the opener, and as people made their way onto the dance floor, they did indeed dance. I brought the energy up higher and higher and dropped a bomb at the top of my set, when the dance floor was completely packed. The place went absolutely bananas. I was buzzing so hard after that party that I didn’t sleep for a week. Every cell in my body wanted to do it again. And I have been chasing that feeling ever since. DJs know what I’m talking about. It’s the most addictive thing in the world.

Those are pretty good memories! I encourage you to try this on your own. Make a list of your top 5 memories of all time. Maybe one will be the birth of a child. Maybe one will be your wedding day. My wedding was not one of my top 5 memories—it was great, but too much family drama. If you’re having difficulty coming up with a list, then maybe you need to make more memories.

Take a look at my Top 5 memories and see if you notice any patterns. One of them has to do with love. Four of them have to do with achievement. Two of them have to do with music, and I would say that my number 6 memory is about music as well.

You know what’s not on the list? Money. There have been a few points in my life where I have made a lot of money, but that doesn’t make the list. And I have had some pretty great trades over the years, and sometimes they cause feelings of euphoria, but they will never crack my list of my all-time top 5 memories. My greatest memories are about relationships and achievement. I suspect when I graduate from my MFA program, that will make the top 5 list as well.

One thing I like to say is that if you want to have higher self-esteem, then you must do esteemable acts. That means, first and foremost, that you can’t be a sneaky scumbag going around doing things that you aren’t supposed to be doing. That’s a killer for self-esteem—you feel like a piece of shit. You acquire self-esteem by doing esteemable acts. By setting a goal, and achieving it. Maybe that is losing 20 pounds. Maybe that is running an Ironman triathlon. Maybe that is getting a degree, or writing a book, or going to a spiritual retreat. You don’t acquire self-esteem by watching television, or by screwing around on social media. And by doing esteemable acts, we create good memories, and then we feel better about ourselves. It is the key to happiness.

Also, deep, meaningful relationships make us happy. Sure, my wife and I get on each other’s nerves sometimes, but we have been together for 33 years since that summer day in 1989. We know each other’s thoughts. We know each other’s feelings. She has been my partner throughout all the adventures we’ve had in life, and I can’t imagine what life would be like without her. If the marriage failed, well, I would be pretty much fucked. In our relationship, I’m the emotional one, and she’s the level-headed one. She’s the one that has to peel me off the ceiling when things go pear-shaped. But out of the two of us, I am the risk-taker. Because of me, we bet big on things and win. We always remind each other: we’re a team.

Now, I’m not going to say that my list is better than your list or anyone else’s list, but I kind of dig my list, and those are five great memories, and I hope everyone else gets to have the same great memories that I do. The human experience being what it is, I’m sure they do. But is the solid gold house on the beach going to end up on the list? Probably not. Are fancy vacations going to end up on the list? No. A Corvette? Certainly not. That doesn’t mean that these things aren’t worth pursuing. Being content and comfortable materially are important. But it seems like I spend more time than I want to trying to earn money to be content and comfortable materially than focusing on achievement for achievement’s sake.

If I really wanted to create a guide for living, I would say that you should always be doing things that will create new and better Top 5 Memories.

Go fuck yourself,

Jared

Music recommendation: I try not to use the same artist twice in the music recommendations, but I will here. Chicane’s track Autumn Tactics was my favorite for a few years back in the early 2000s. The vocalist is Justine Suissa, who you might know from Above & Beyond’s Oceanlab project. Justine Suissa was thought of as the queen of trance vocalists for a period of time.

P.S. We’re Gonna Get Those Bastards will always be free. Please forward to whoever you like.