Happiness Is a Choice

First, we will talk about therapy.

People go to therapists when they are spiritually disturbed. They hope that the therapist will quiet the disturbance. I am not against talk therapy, but the reality is that the vast majority of therapists are patently unqualified to be in charge of another person’s spiritual well-being. They’re people with intractable problems just like you or me. The good thing about therapy is that it helps to simply talk about your problems, to articulate them and get them out in the open; the bad thing about therapy is that most therapists are mirrors and will simply reflect their patient’s narcissism and self-absorption back at them. People have ended perfectly good marriages and jobs because of therapists, resulting in huge amounts of chaos. But a good one can be immeasurably helpful for spiritual growth, or to end compulsive behaviors.

Anyway, the point here is that people go to therapists to get happy, but how many of them get happy? How many people have told you that they owe their life and their happiness to their therapist? A few, I suppose. But happiness is an inside job. As discussed before, it comes from work and achievements, relationships with others, and your relationship with a higher power. Everything else is ego.

I’m sure you’ve had this experience with a friend who is always lurching from one crisis to another. Somebody’s sick, the job is going down the tubes, the marriage is on the rocks, everything’s hard. Interesting. I’ve been sick, my job has gone down the tubes, and my marriage has been on the rocks at various times in my life. I’m not really sure what to say, other than that we get to choose our response to every situation. Life is difficult. 99% of spiritual disturbances occur when we think that life should not be difficult, and then it turns out to be difficult. I will make an observation: poor people are generally happier than rich people, because when your basic material needs are not met, you don’t have the time or mental energy to worry about your literary agent not returning your emails. If you told poor people your problems, they would laugh at your problems. People lack perspective, which is putting it lightly. The good news: you have food and a house and a TV and a washing machine and a dishwasher and the internet. Everything else is ego. Now, that’s not to say that money doesn’t have the ability to make people happy, because it absolutely does—I write a lot about how more material things make us happy. But nothing can compete with the spiritual disturbance that arises from an old friend not returning your calls.

And that’s also not to say that an old friend not returning your calls isn’t a big deal, because it is. And that’s not to say that having our basic needs met should make us happy, because as you know, we have a hierarchy of needs, and spiritual needs are at the top. I’m just saying that most of the stuff that people get spiritually disturbed about…is not really a big deal. Unhappy people stay unhappy. Happy people stay happy. That is my experience. If you give an unhappy person everything they want, they will still find ways to be unhappy. I know, because I used to be an unhappy person. And then I chose happiness.

So wait—you’re telling me that the secret of happiness is just to choose to be happy? In a way, yes. How does it work? Most unhappiness centers around fear or resentment. You are afraid of something. You ask your higher power for the willingness to be released from the fear. Why? So you can be more useful to others. You have a resentment. You ask your higher power for the willingness to be released from the resentment. Why? So you can be more useful to others. This is a fact; I spend 99% of the time thinking about myself. If I instead spend 98% of my time thinking about myself, thereby doubling the amount of time I think about other people, I will be twice as happy. What is this higher power nonsense? You don’t have to be religious to believe in a higher power. You don’t have to go to church. You simply have to believe in a power greater than yourself. You can call it God, or you can call it Clyde for all I care. The key point is that it has to be a power greater than yourself. In other words, you are not God. And I can tell you that all spiritual disturbances come from when we think we are God. Also, if you are going to choose something as a higher power, don’t choose a person, like your therapist, or your spouse. People will always find a way to fail you. A higher power will not.

So wait—you’re saying that the answer to the happiness problem is religion? I am not saying that at all. I have not set foot in a church since 2010. But I think I have had deeper and more meaningful spiritual experiences than most people who go to church. Remember, in the beginning of this essay, I talked about the phenomenon of the spiritual disturbance. The antidote to a spiritual disturbance is a spiritual experience. It doesn’t have to be a “white light” moment. It could be something as simple as praying for the willingness to accept the outcome of something stressful—like taking the CFA exam—with grace and dignity. And regardless of whether you pass or fail the CFA exam, you will handle it with grace and dignity. Prayers answered. Note that you should not pray that you will pass the CFA exam—that’s not how prayers work. We are not in the results business. Imagine failing the CFA exam—and you are happy. That’s how happiness works. Maybe you weren’t meant to pass that God-forsaken exam. Maybe you will do something else with your life that will be even better. Maybe you will get a life-changing opportunity that you could not have predicted. You don’t pray for the outcome—you pray to be happy with the outcome.

How many therapists will tell you this? Probably not many.

Happiness is internal, not external. Here’s the internal monologue: I won’t be happy unless I get that million-dollar bonus. And then they get an $800,000 bonus, and they’re miserable. Do we all realize how insane this is? How about, I will be happy no matter what bonus I get. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t aspire to be financially successful, and money is important, but not enough to ruin your life for an entire year until the next bonus comes around which will ruin your life for another year. How about: I won’t be happy unless my kid gets into Harvard. Rejected. My friend, high school dropouts start billion-dollar companies. It really is going to be okay. I am successful in a lot of ways, including financially, but I have taken a rather unorthodox path, starting out with the military. There are a million ways to be successful in this country. These days, getting rejected by Harvard is a badge of honor.

Quick personal note: as many of you know, I recently built a very large house. It is 10,000 square feet. Yes, I am happier in the house, but not in the way that you think. The house makes a better man. Better at my job, better at my marriage, better with my friends. It’s as if I want to live up to the house. So yes, it is a huge fucking house, and there are creature comforts that go along with living in a huge fucking house, but it really makes me want to be a better person, which is something that I did not expect. And so I tell people that building the house was the smartest thing I have ever done. I owe some money on it, and there is some stress about the debt, but it’s just a mortgage, and I can afford it, so there is nothing to worry about.

I didn’t always have this perspective. I used to be one of those guys who was pissed at his bonus. I used to be consumed with fear and resentment. Whether I get $100 million is not up to me. Whether I have a book that sells a million copies is not up to me. I would like both of those things, but it is not up to me. I really want a book that sells a million copies. I thought No Worries would be the one. It was not. Maybe the next one will be. Maybe it will never happen. I can tell you something: I will be happy no matter what. Maybe a million-copy-selling book would turn me into a black belt asshole. Maybe it isn’t meant to happen. I will keep trying, and I will pray for dignity and grace no matter what the outcome. That’s all I can do.

Write it down 100 times: Happiness is a choice. Took me 50 years to figure that out. Most people never do.