In return, I'll relate my legendary fart story for you & your audience.
Five years ago I was in Rome with my eldest son (then 13yo) & my nephew (then 25yo).
I was 50 yo at the time.
This is to illustrate to you, Jared, that I was about as mature as you at a similar age, and if you are anything like me, you'll be just as immature at age 55.
Now back to the story.
We were in a taxi returning to the hotel when I had the urge to let one rip.
I was in the front seat, next to the driver, Giancarlo.
It was May & it was quite a warm day. The windows were up & the AC running.
I felt my stomach churning and knew that what was brewing was pretty lethal.
I tried to supress the fart but my sphincter just wouldn't permit it.
It was silent but extremely deadly.
As it wafted to my nostrils I did two things: tried to inhale as much of the stench as possible so as to save the others from my obviously internally rotting carcass; and prayed, (somewhat naively, that the funk wouldn't spread, with the help of the AC, to the rest of the taxi.
Both my inhalations & prayers were in vain.
This became patently clear when my nephew screamed from the back seat, "Who farted?"
Of course, I denied it; however my hysterical laughter gave me away, resulting in all-round laughter; even from poor Giancarlo.
I had tears running down my face - from the fetid smell, the situation, the embarrassment, or a combination of all three - to this day I still don't know.
Giancarlo was a great sport about it.
In his shoes, I would've ejected me from the taxi, but he had a great laugh too.
He didn't even lower the windows.
Who knows, perhaps he like the smell.
I doubt whether he knows that his resilience and equanimity have been rewarded with him receiving a special place in family lore with the expression, "I Giancarloed him," taking on particular significance when a similar episode repeats - similar but never the same.
Is the sequel ever better than the original?
Jared, keep up the great writing, belly laughs, and puerile humor.
I was laughing so hard at this, I may have farted, snorted, coughed, and spat at some point. We are of the same breed. March `74 couldn’t have been better.
Funny! I can relate to your military humor reference. I was on submarines where farts were an integral part of watch standing. Your only warning was “Fire in the hole”!
I watched jackass 2 on a date in the theater and laughed so hard my cheeks hurt afterwards. The girl I took was super uptight and offended and immediately broke up with me. Still a great night. Jackass is funny. Farts are funnier.
If an old man makes performance art out of his farts and no one is around, does it still smell???
Vaseline on the telephone earpiece?
New floor runners being sent to look for a box of upticks?
We had a guy who wouldn't chew his food to help produce his pit clearing farts.
OMG, waking up to read this...poor wife, yours and mine!
Jared, perhaps your best piece yet.
In return, I'll relate my legendary fart story for you & your audience.
Five years ago I was in Rome with my eldest son (then 13yo) & my nephew (then 25yo).
I was 50 yo at the time.
This is to illustrate to you, Jared, that I was about as mature as you at a similar age, and if you are anything like me, you'll be just as immature at age 55.
Now back to the story.
We were in a taxi returning to the hotel when I had the urge to let one rip.
I was in the front seat, next to the driver, Giancarlo.
It was May & it was quite a warm day. The windows were up & the AC running.
I felt my stomach churning and knew that what was brewing was pretty lethal.
I tried to supress the fart but my sphincter just wouldn't permit it.
It was silent but extremely deadly.
As it wafted to my nostrils I did two things: tried to inhale as much of the stench as possible so as to save the others from my obviously internally rotting carcass; and prayed, (somewhat naively, that the funk wouldn't spread, with the help of the AC, to the rest of the taxi.
Both my inhalations & prayers were in vain.
This became patently clear when my nephew screamed from the back seat, "Who farted?"
Of course, I denied it; however my hysterical laughter gave me away, resulting in all-round laughter; even from poor Giancarlo.
I had tears running down my face - from the fetid smell, the situation, the embarrassment, or a combination of all three - to this day I still don't know.
Giancarlo was a great sport about it.
In his shoes, I would've ejected me from the taxi, but he had a great laugh too.
He didn't even lower the windows.
Who knows, perhaps he like the smell.
I doubt whether he knows that his resilience and equanimity have been rewarded with him receiving a special place in family lore with the expression, "I Giancarloed him," taking on particular significance when a similar episode repeats - similar but never the same.
Is the sequel ever better than the original?
Jared, keep up the great writing, belly laughs, and puerile humor.
There are two standout episodes of The Office: the fire drill episode and the diversity training one. Both classics and worth your time....
Bill Burr is hilarious too. He and Dave Chappelle are my current favorites. At Dirtcon some of the people were hilarious, definitely a funny group.
I was laughing so hard at this, I may have farted, snorted, coughed, and spat at some point. We are of the same breed. March `74 couldn’t have been better.
Funny! I can relate to your military humor reference. I was on submarines where farts were an integral part of watch standing. Your only warning was “Fire in the hole”!
Can’t stop laughing, thank you for this Friday night piece!
I watched jackass 2 on a date in the theater and laughed so hard my cheeks hurt afterwards. The girl I took was super uptight and offended and immediately broke up with me. Still a great night. Jackass is funny. Farts are funnier.