One of my favorite topics.
Sometimes things don’t go so well, and you are feeling sorry for yourself. Poor me. Life sucks. What I suggest you do in these situations is to make a gratitude list. Make a list of everything you are thankful for. Spend an hour on this. There are the easy things—your job, your spouse, your house. Then there are the little intangibles. Rack your brain until you can’t think of any more. My guess is, if you do it right, you will have a list of 50-100 things that you are thankful for.
And at the end of it, you probably won’t be feeling sorry for yourself anymore.
I live life in pretty much a permanent state of gratitude. Why? Because I am afflicted with a mental illness so severe that if left untreated, I would be out on the sidewalk, picking through trash cans, and barking at traffic. I am a miracle. I have a lot of good things going on in my life, which is a massive understatement, but if I ever pause to reflect on my life pre-diagnosis, I am just happy to be alive. Jails, institutions, or death—that is what awaited me had I not sought help.
Now, if I am being honest, I am not in a state of gratitude all the time. I have the more disease. I want more money, more power, more fame, and more sex. And I spend pretty much every day sitting at my computer thinking up ways to get more of everything. Now, there are competing philosophies on this. Some people say that you shouldn’t want more—ever—you should be satisfied with what you have. You have three squares, a roof over your head, and Netflix—what else could you want? That’s pretty much a king-size crock of shit. What is life without ambition? I know lots of people who don’t want more, who are satisfied with what they have. And it works for them. But it wouldn’t work for me. Twelve years ago, I said that when I got to x net worth I would retire and open my own nightclub. Well, I got to x net worth two years ago, and I haven’t slowed down. There is nothing wrong with moving the goalposts. There is no vice in wanting to accumulate material possessions and encomiums. There is no vice in wanting more.
But more can be taken to an extreme, if it leads to an obsession. I saw today that Elon Musk’s $55 billion pay package was denied by some court in Delaware. Even for me, that is a bit much. Now, it’s not a question of need—Elon doesn’t need $55 billion more, not after he already has $250 billion. But I guess the hedonic treadmill never stops no matter what level you’re on. I’m not going to fault him for it. I would like to think I would tap out at a certain level and retire and open my own nightclub—but probably not. Some people are just wired differently. On Wall Street, they say that the money is a way of keeping score. But I’m not in competition with anyone else—just myself. I don’t need to make more money than other people—I just want to make a shitload of money in absolute terms. At Lehman, I never got upset about making less than other people—I just wanted what I thought I was worth.
There is not a lot of gratitude on Wall Street. If you’ve ever worked at a bank, you know what bonus season is like, with all the angling and politicking. It is gross behavior. Someone will make a stick and will be incensed that they didn’t make one point two, but they never stop to think about the fact that, hey, they made a million bucks, which is more money than some people will see in a lifetime, so settle down, Beavis. It is all about ego. And ego and gratitude cannot coexist in the same space. And Wall Street rewards this behavior to a certain extent—the guys who have gratitude, like I did, and are happy with what they made, are generally never overpaid. The system rewards the angling and the politicking. I felt very lucky just to have a job on Wall Street, and the last thing I was going to do was to be a prima donna and risk everything I had worked for.
I have spent a lot of time talking about finance and rich people. What I’ve found is that people of lesser means often have more gratitude than the country club folks. For most of the country, a job is a precious thing. Half the country lives paycheck-to-paycheck, and the loss of a job is a huge disruption, to say the least. Yes, there is unemployment insurance, but the emotional impact of losing a job can be enormous. I feel differently about it. If tomorrow, the government made financial newsletters illegal, I would do something else, like manage money, and if that didn’t work out, I would get into real estate, or maybe I would just retire and open the nightclub. I can do a lot of different things. I would just write books, but that does not pay the bills. The point is that if you’re capable, you’re never too worried about losing a gig, because there are always options available to you. I have a friend who was a CEO and is enjoying a full year of a noncompete. He has no immediate plans to do anything. I’m sure he will get another great opportunity, which is what typically happens to talented people. But for 99% of the world, a steady paycheck is a lifeline, and people are often very grateful for it.
I am grateful for my fuzzballs. Last night, I got in bed, and Wendy snuggled up next to me for about an hour, and then she slept next to my head, purring. People think I am a little nuts for having six cats, but I can tell you that it’s the best thing in the world. And they’re all amazing—no stinkers in the group. I am grateful for my new book, which everyone loves. I am grateful for my new house, which is truly going to transform my life for the better. I am grateful for my wife, my patient wife, who puts up with all my crap. I am grateful for my lifesaving medication. I am eternally grateful that I survived 9/11. And it goes on. I am not going to put my complete gratitude list in this essay, but you get the picture. Not many people out there have it better than me. Sure, there are people with more resources, but I doubt they are as happy. Having gratitude keeps you grounded, but it is perfectly acceptable to want more. Where people get twisted up is when they outwardly say they don’t want more, but they secretly do. This describes a lot of people: I’m not a greedy bastard like these billionaires, but I am still going to buy lottery tickets. Most psychological problems come from internal conflicts like these, when people’s insides don’t match their outsides. I am transparent about my desires: I want more money and a condo in Miami Beach. I want my book to be a runaway bestseller. For sure, I’m grateful that I was given the opportunity to publish a book in the first place. But we can all dream.
It wasn’t supposed to work out this way for me. There are a billion alternate histories, and in the vast majority of them, things didn’t go as well. Ironically, the one thing I don’t have is my health, and at the moment, I’m forced to choose between work and money and life expectancy. I feel like Mozart, my face a pale shade of green, composing the Requiem on my deathbed. I’ll move a muscle in the new house. The point is, if you have your health, you should be grateful for it, which is a general principle about gratitude in general—if you have something, there is a good chance that someone else out there wants it.
A few months ago a woman speaking in our church said, "It is impossible to be happier than you are grateful." I have known this for a long time, but appreciated hearing it expressed so succinctly.
When our focus is on what we want but don't have, we tend to be unhappy. This is distinct from having goals we are pursuing and seeking to grow and improve. All of us should be trying to progress and improve. But we should never fall into the "I'll be happy when..." trap. And gratitude is probably the most important factor in being happy now.
Thanks for another great essay!
You don’t want a condo on Miami Beach.